you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
