Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize