So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize