She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
