I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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