i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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