Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize