If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
