We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize