i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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