I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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