Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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