It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
