I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
