Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
