did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
