If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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