After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
