she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
