I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
