The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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