I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
