The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
