So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
