i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
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