he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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