I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
