Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So I just went to clothing optional bar
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
