apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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