Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
