There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
