Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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