So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize