Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
