Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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