yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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