So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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