You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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