Yo dont text me then not text me
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
