So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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