whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
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