This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
