the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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