Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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