For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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