everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
