Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
