Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
