if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
