he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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