apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
