Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
