I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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