that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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