I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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