just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
my shit smells like andre
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
