Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
BRING THE BAGELS
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
