I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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