The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
