when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
